I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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