so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
