ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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