too bad you live with your parents still
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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