dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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