Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize