How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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