We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
