she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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