I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
