Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
