apparently the secret to your success is patron
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
