Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
