I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
