I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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