Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
