I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
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