If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's shark week go big or go home
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize