I think I won the penis lottery.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
