my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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