This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
