I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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