I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
