Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
