I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
