me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
The struggles of a small town man whore
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
