You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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