Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
