Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
