I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
