Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
