if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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