i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
