If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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