There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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