mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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