Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
