So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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