Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
