seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize