i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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