So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
