Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize