I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
