I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Barsexuality is the new black.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
