If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
