I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
