nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
