Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
