She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
