it was like eating out sand paper
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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