Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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