There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
