He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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