Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
