Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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