if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
