dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
