Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
