My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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