remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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