Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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